- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3, 4 and 5.

- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 6 for you.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

- If you are paranoid, there is no need to press any number. We know who you are and what you what. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. This call is being recorded.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press; no-one is going to answer anyway.

- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until an operator comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8, and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Medicare number, tax file number and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep or before the beep.

- If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy talking to people more important than you.

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

• The Buffalo Theory

• Thinking too much?

• Installing Love

¥ Why did the chicken cross the road?